Auntie Mode, Activate!

Some ideas for connecting with kids, safe grownup style, without making it weird.

My Auntie self is one of my favorite selves to be. She is calmly interested in everything kids say. She is ready to sing Raffi, Ella Jenkins, and Taylor Swift at the drop of a hat. She wonders what book you've been reading, and she DEFINITELY wants to see that cartwheel you've been working on. She never yucks your yum. She also does her best not to comment on your physical changes-- even very precious and delightful ones like lost teeth, growth spurts, etc-- because commenting on other people's bodies is a weird thing to do.

I'm a child and family photographer, so I'll see about 40 kids for photos on Saturday and Sunday-- some new friends, some I've know almost their whole lives-- and I'll bring my Auntie Self to each interaction. I truly believe that all adults have an Auntie* (not gendered, call it whatever you want) Self, too, and I am pretty evangelical about the power of our Auntie Selves combined. It's the on-the-ground, moment-to-moment part of being a safe grownup, and it's an incredibly powerful and fun way to change the world for kids. It takes some practice and intention to channel this self, and you don't have to be a kid person to do it. It's worth it. Please join my movement.

My Auntie Self wants to know ALL ABOUT your new special interest, but she's not hurt or bothered if you'd rather not talk to her today. If you share that something in your life has changed-- your family structure, your pronouns, your after school activities-- she takes this in attentively, but in, like, a chill way. No huge reactions if she can help it. She's so glad you told her. She LOVES your fashion choices. She loves your serious face. She's happy to see you, today, just as you are.

So, yes, my Auntie Self is probably also my HIGHEST self. And, aside from my (very different) Parent Self, it's probably my favorite self! It's what I have to offer to my photo niblings and to the other kids I encounter in my day-to-day life when I am NOT responsible for meeting their basic needs. I am truly free to enjoy them and connect with them, even just for a moment.

My Auntie Self allows me to be a ride-or-die source of encouragement, affirmation, and fun for the kids in my life. My Auntie Self reminds kids that safe grownups are everywhere.

Kids get it, friends. They know that most local and global institutions are, at this point, actively rooting against them. If they are kids of color, queer or trans kids, from migrant families, neurodivergent, disabled, etc, they know this doubly, and have for a long time. They carry this burden with them day by day. It just sucks. We cannot fix it today. And, while it's great for them to see that we are organizing ourselves to defend them, we also need to show them in small and regular ways that we are determined to make the world safer for them in the affirmative rather than just the defensive. Does that make sense?

We've talked in previous letters about ways to advocate for kids as a group, which is crucial, but channeling our Auntie selves in our day-to-day interactions with kids is, I think, of equal or greater importance. Think about the adults you encountered as a kid who made you feel safe, curious, and affirmed. What do you remember about your interactions with them?

You don't have to be a "kid person" to activate your Auntie Self. Some of my favorite safe grownups as a child myself were definitely not kid people. In fact, some of them were pretty dry and weird. I loved it. A lot of kids don't actually enjoy being fussed over or catered to. They want genuine, caring interactions with folks who clearly have their best interests at heart. That's it. You can provide that. Here are some ideas about where to start:

-Give a kid a thumbs up from across the room. That's it. Don't overthink it.

-Play them a song you liked when you were a kid. Invite a genuine reaction, good or bad.

-Ask them their teacher's name. No follow-up questions allow.

-Compliment something they are doing, very casually but very specifically. "You're working really hard on balancing there!" "What a cool shade of blue."

-Show them a cool bug.

-If you notice that they have a need-- a hand when they stumble, a drink of water-- meet it with calm nonchalance.

-Give them a sweet treat. A small one, with caregiver's permission. I'm talking, like, a mint from the back of your car. We all love treats, and they make us feel cared for in a very particular way.

-If you can find out a special interest of theirs, GO DEEP with them, asking very specific follow up questions. Enjoy the rabbit hole together.

-Sit quietly together without asking them to talk to you or engage with you. Just share space. Don't overthink it.

-If you see their body tense up or hear their voice get quieter, take one small step back from them and lower your vocal volume a half step. Don't overthink it.

-Ask them their favorite animal. Tell them yours.

The key here is to expect nothing in return-- this doesn't have to be a huge, long interaction. Just a moment, here and there. Pay a little attention, then move on. That's it. You did it. What we are doing here, together, is weaving a web of safety, curiosity, and care around all kids as they move through the world.

I believe in us, friends. Let's merge our Auntie powers for these small beings, day by day, one thumbs-up at at time. They deserve it. So do we.

Share your favorite Auntie moves in the comments? I'd love to create a growing safe grownup/Auntie Mode compendium.

With care,

Anna